October 24th, 2017. 10:30 A.M.
Today I feel very melancholy. If my soul were a sky it would consist of the thick, grey clouds that loom above us before a long storm. That’s how I feel today.
It seems as when things look up, and the world feels a little more balanced than usual, it always ends up taking a steep decline, downhill, all at once, an avalanche.
Days like these make me question if I really know who I am. Part of me theorizes that this is because the weather is changing and I am quite known to change with the seasons, I know this.
I suppose it’s hard to know who you are when you are consistently contradicting yourself, as I do. I am a being built on too many beginnings and hardly enough endings. I go from wanting to stay in this town forever, to calling it “Hell” and craving nothing more than to run away and start all over- because I am in love with beginnings and I never want to stay long enough to see how things will end. Maybe it’s the fear of getting hurt. How can I be burnt by the fire if the flames haven’t caught up with me yet?
Here’s another contradiction, as well as a metaphor in my mind: I’m petrified of the fire, the smoke, the ash, but sometimes I want to force myself into the chaos of life just to see what would happen. I believe this stems from my boredom, from the way my life has never been predictable, teaching me to grow up and loathe normality. It’s rather exhausting, I might add. It leads to many effects, such as myself making spur-of-the-moment impulsive decisions, choices that could be even risky or dangerous or not well-thought out ideas.
Alas, these are only several of the fault lines I possess, each of them capable of producing earthquakes within me. I try to take the time to examine these defects inside of me. Even if some of the answers aren’t those I want to hear, it’s the process of discovering who I am that matters.
“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and who we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”
E.S., Sweet Spade