The Uncertain Side of Me

October 24th, 2017. 10:30 A.M.

Today I feel very melancholy. If my soul were a sky it would consist of the thick, grey clouds that loom above us before a long storm. That’s how I feel today.

It seems as when things look up, and the world feels a little more balanced than usual, it always ends up taking a steep decline, downhill, all at once, an avalanche.

Days like these make me question if I really know who I am. Part of me theorizes that this is because the weather is changing and I am quite known to change with the seasons, I know this.

I suppose it’s hard to know who you are when you are consistently contradicting yourself, as I do. I am a being built on too many beginnings and hardly enough endings. I go from wanting to stay in this town forever, to calling it “Hell” and craving nothing more than to run away and start all over- because I am in love with beginnings and I never want to stay long enough to see how things will end. Maybe it’s the fear of getting hurt. How can I be burnt by the fire if the flames haven’t caught up with me yet?

Here’s another contradiction, as well as a metaphor in my mind: I’m petrified of the fire, the smoke, the ash, but sometimes I want to force myself into the chaos of life just to see what would happen. I believe this stems from my boredom, from the way my life has never been predictable, teaching me to grow up and loathe normality. It’s rather exhausting, I might add. It leads to many effects, such as myself making spur-of-the-moment impulsive decisions, choices that could be even risky or dangerous or not well-thought out ideas.

Alas, these are only several of the fault lines I possess, each of them capable of producing earthquakes within me. I try to take the time to examine these defects inside of me. Even if some of the answers aren’t those I want to hear, it’s the process of discovering who I am that matters.

“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and who we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”

-Brandon Sanderson

E.S., Sweet Spade

If You Love Without Thinking

If You Love Without Thinking


They like to love without thinking

Without any attached strings,

Drunken hearts and hook-ups

Lives full of one-night flings

It’s easier to love this way

With nothing holding them back,

Nobody to take care of

When their lives run off the track

But what they do not realize

Is that this love does not last,

Instead, it leaves them empty

Slowly shattering like glass

They do not know the feeling

Of a lover by their side

Or the beauty of a white silk gown

Worn upon their bride

Or even how to feels to be

Accompanied for life

A forever friend, a partner

That they could call their wife

And even if one day they do

Get blessed with a little one,

I’m sure the memory of their past

Will haunt them ’till their days are done


Eden Smith, Sweet Spade

A Poem to Those Who Wander

A Poem, to Those Who Wander



Did you ever want to up and leave

And never turn around,

On all the things you never tried

Just leave, without a sound?

Did you ever want to take a risk

To leave your comfort zone,

To feel your heart beat faster

And scare you to the bone?

Did you ever want to runaway

To freely roam the land,

To watch a west-coast sunset

With your toes between the sand?

Adventure is calling you by name

Begging you to fly,

To put aside your hopes and fears

And sing your battle cry

Eden Smith, Sweet Spade