The Uncertain Side of Me

October 24th, 2017. 10:30 A.M.

Today I feel very melancholy. If my soul were a sky it would consist of the thick, grey clouds that loom above us before a long storm. That’s how I feel today.

It seems as when things look up, and the world feels a little more balanced than usual, it always ends up taking a steep decline, downhill, all at once, an avalanche.

Days like these make me question if I really know who I am. Part of me theorizes that this is because the weather is changing and I am quite known to change with the seasons, I know this.

I suppose it’s hard to know who you are when you are consistently contradicting yourself, as I do. I am a being built on too many beginnings and hardly enough endings. I go from wanting to stay in this town forever, to calling it “Hell” and craving nothing more than to run away and start all over- because I am in love with beginnings and I never want to stay long enough to see how things will end. Maybe it’s the fear of getting hurt. How can I be burnt by the fire if the flames haven’t caught up with me yet?

Here’s another contradiction, as well as a metaphor in my mind: I’m petrified of the fire, the smoke, the ash, but sometimes I want to force myself into the chaos of life just to see what would happen. I believe this stems from my boredom, from the way my life has never been predictable, teaching me to grow up and loathe normality. It’s rather exhausting, I might add. It leads to many effects, such as myself making spur-of-the-moment impulsive decisions, choices that could be even risky or dangerous or not well-thought out ideas.

Alas, these are only several of the fault lines I possess, each of them capable of producing earthquakes within me. I try to take the time to examine these defects inside of me. Even if some of the answers aren’t those I want to hear, it’s the process of discovering who I am that matters.

“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and who we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”

-Brandon Sanderson

E.S., Sweet Spade

Weapons of Your Mind

October 20th, 2017.

11:57 A.M.

“Survival is the ability to swim in strange water.”

Don’t let your thoughts grab your heart strings and control them unforgivably. Don’t you dare let this life get the best of you, alright? Promise me.

Coming from someone who knows- your mind has the potential to do amazing things, but alas, it also has the potential to destroy anything it pleases.

I have been at the point in life where my mind took control of everything. It was on a warpath, fighting until I was hurt in the end. I didn’t even realize what was happening, it was like a movie that I couldn’t pause. If I could go back to that point, I would take myself by the shoulders and say, “Stop! Take a step back and look at you, obliterating yourself with careless abandon..” I would plead for this. But it wasn’t the logical side of me working things, you see. I was thinking the worst thoughts, the worst outcomes and in turn- it took me to a terrible place. A place I had never known, a sort of living hell inside of my mind. This affected everything.

Take a deep breath. Step back, just hold still for a moment. You control your life, and it’s far too short to let the negativity take the reins. Let go of the times you have been injured. Let go and set yourself free. AT least try. For me. Keep trying until you get tired of trying, and you let it happen. You have to hang in there, you have to trust me on this one. You are so alive, so powerful. Find that power instead of refusing it.

E.S., Sweet Spade